The unsettling mind...

The things I think in my head all day,
can't make it here even as I try all day.
The thoughts and the ideas and the dreams that come,
come with a slippery slimy mood of their own.
I would think of a thyme that I would sow,
and out of a thyme a gulmohar would grow
the red flaming flowers would dance around my head
bringing back all the memories I have had
Of eyeing the streets lined with them,
And climbing the cars to pluck them out
And i realise what i plucked out was a big toe nail
as I cry and wince in pain and pain
And just as the tear trickles down the cheek
I shudder with a thought of a possibility so meek
of a toe nail that decides not to grow back making me weak
Can, How, Will, What - my mind struggles
And I drift away to making my own magic potion -
A Nail Regrower, ha ha ha!
I bask in the fame and success that follows
of the dames and damsels in distress being rescued
By the secret recipe of a secret potion
of the shiny and happy nails that follow.
And just as suddenly my mind goes back to thyme
And this time out of thyme, a lime tree follows.

The soul that's me...

Feeling high, feeling low,
Feeling inspired, feeling slow,
A minute I am all energetic,
Wanting to plunge, wanting to jump.
And another minute arrives,
I want to slump, sleep and drag myself to dump.
Is it normal, is it not - I don't know the answers to all this thoughts
Am just trying to sort out the mess that I am, every minute, each day at a time
And just when I feel I have figured out it all
That another minute stands right at my door.

I want

I want to be a stress free mom
Rather a stress free person.
I want to do what I want to do and not dictate others in the same manner.
Also,
I want her to be a free child,
Who follows her heart and mind,
And the one who follows her fantasies and dreams.

And if I behave in a manner I do right now, it is not going to happen.
I should only ask for that time, the time that is sane
When all I want to do is to love her and laugh with her, and whatever.
But not at all scream her.

The feeling...

I am feeling a feeling, that is so dry
Not drenched in love, neither in friendships,
nor any other mandatory ones where blood relations are involved.
My feeling dry is not totally a fiction,
It's not my imagination.
It's really a feeling,
A feeling which is deep yet makes me feel hollow,
Brings pain in my heart;
And a stern blank face follows,
Which does not let the feeling trickle out
No one sees it
And a secret remains deep deep in me
Exactly where I feel being dry.

Swimmer's high...

It was a month back that i used to wonder people who took swimming seriously. For me, swimming was simply lazing in water, relaxing and frolicking with friends and family. It was at that time that i was crazed about photography (I still am, quite seriously) and would go through every photography site and read interviews of photographers ranging from average to great. On one such site, i found an interview by Jim Sugar and browsed through his work. I wasn't completely floored by it buy what i stumbled upon was the documentary he made - Swimming in a dream... This was the note with the video, a small excerpt - "This film tells the story of how and why a group of otherwise perfectly normal people do a hard swim workout at 5.30 am five days a week." And it also said " Swimmers explain how they are addicted to, and changed by, the swimmer's high." Now I was curious and watched the documentary. And lo! that changed the way i looked at swimming. I mean it wasn't meant to inspire people and there were no speeches like that as well. But seeing them do it, just hit the spot. And that was the day, i started swimming, its been just 2 weeks and i already feel addicted. Breathing under water, water exercises, new styles of swimming and above all loving the water - all this forma a package that drives me everyday. And to top it, i am accompanied by a bunch of equally enthusiastic gals and making new swimmer friends (age no bar, coz the range is 26-70). And now my morning begins with the hurried packing of my swimming gear, a quick goodbye to the husband and big hello to my swimmer friends. And ya, here is the link to the documentary - just in case - http://www.vimeo.com/12799238...

Photography assignment and how it was a total downer...

I was pretty excited about the whole assignment in the morning... The assignment : to shoot kids for a dance academy... i was all happy and confident with no homework (that was my first negative point)... So there i went, a bunch of kids, their teacher and some music... and i shot them... I come back home and see the results... and believe me its a disaster... it doesnt even look like they have been clicked by some amateur photographer... its like someone looked around, saw me, gave me the camera and asked me to click... a total downer... the witness to these photographs was M... and he had a lot of feedback to give... And am taking it all... M started with suggestions and they kept flowing... and he is right... I've to buy them all and share them too... His suggestions -

1. Do your homework... Google dance photographs and pick what you like... Study them... Read the articles on how they did it...

2. Have visuals ready in your head and then convey it to people you want to photograph...

3. Based on your visual, get the place of the shoot ready, be it background, lights, etc...

4. Trial rounds of photographs and then adjusting your camera settings accordingly...

5. It is not a dance session, its a photography session... They move according to what the photographer wants and not the other way round... Take command of the situations and get what you want out of the subject...

6. And if you go wrong, do the whole process again and not give up...

So taking the suggestions to heart, here i walk... tomorrow is another day, with the whole night left for me to study... :)

Outburst...

i guess the vacation was too long... What was supposed to be few hectic days at work, turned out to be a big vacation and i ended up not writing... i generally describe myself as impulsive and quick... And suddenly i am right now all that i have hated being all my life - lethargic, procrastinator, indecisive, forgetful, unfriendly, sleepoholic... None of this has been me and in my memory the past-me i've been vehemently against all this... Yesterday has been a day of reviewing, along with working on my scripts ofcourse... And i feel i am living a trashy life - two days back a friend called up and i realised that she was low but my work wouldnt give me the time to accompany my friend, and i smartly avoided... i didnt think at that time but have been getting guilt pangs after that... i was never a superbitch... i would have all my friends around me, they could reach me anytime they want and we could have a talk ranging from gossiping to philosophy of life... i don't remember having conversations with my friends in the last 3-6 months.... and thats long, going by who i am... And yesterday i had questions - life-changing according to me - is my work larger than my life...? My life was supposed to be bigger and better - a very small part of it was supposed to be labelled 'work' - and now its the other way round... i have to actually sneak out sometimes to find time for things i love... i have an unopened book on my side table since almost a month... i desperately wanted that book as i really wanted to read it... i dont manage as much time as to open it, let alone read it... And there are many more such things... What triggered all this is the sudden feeling of being uneasy... which led to reviewing and which led to this outburst... in which i realise i have been in love with myself in the past and suddenly i dont like what i see of me now... and i gotta make a resolution now - i know its not a new-year and neither it is my birthday - which generally mark making resolutions - but thats what i used to be and i want to be...